*L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait.

*I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.

*A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

*I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say "Bless me, father, for I have sinned -- and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen."

*I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

*A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

*At the airport they asked me if anybody I didnt know gave me anything. Even the people I know dont give me anything.

*I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and Im thinking, okay, heres a gal whos capable of making a decision shell regret in the future.

*I celebrated Thanksgiving with strict tradition this year. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.